The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
