i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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