I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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