I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
