I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize