He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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