Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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