Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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