What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
