I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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