OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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