First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
