He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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