You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
