just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
