How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
there is puke in my bra ... again
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
