Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
