Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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