You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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