I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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