Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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