brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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