it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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