I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
