how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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