i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
