Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize