So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
It's like God shit irony all over that family
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
pop tarts are not kleenex
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
