You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
