Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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