How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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