I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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