Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
