For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
