There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
