I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
