The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
