When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
