Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
