I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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