ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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