Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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