Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
