can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
