Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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