we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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