i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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