Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I touched a dick in church today
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