She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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