one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
