I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
