before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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