Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
