i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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