Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
