So gin and wine won't be happening again
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
