i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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