Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
