Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
last night I used snow as a chaser
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
