I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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