my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I AM VODKA MAN
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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