True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
