i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
