My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
