No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
