My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
