I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize