so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
