He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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